What is depression? The term depression was not popular back then. All I knew was that I cried every day without fail, in front of my parents as well as silently at nights. On some days, seeing me, my mom would cry too. My dad was in China for work then, he would video call while I told him the tales of the day: what comments my classmates passed, how my best friend ignored me and walked away, how I don't feel excited to go to college anymore, and so on. Every day, a new episode. However, the subtext remained the same. I did not know when I would come over this. I just hoped I graduated quickly and put all this behind.
But like they say, the scars from the past haunt you forever, and they change you as a person. I don't say I was never anxious before, however, after this phase, I turned into a timid person you can say. Will they laugh at me, will they ignore me, will they leave me, will I make any friend, and so on. To be honest, I'm a jolly and a social person but since this phase, I wonder who exactly I am. I make friends quickly but somehow they don't stay until the end. From an all-rounder in school who never misremembered a dance step to a nervous person who forgot her dance steps during an inter-college event and ashamed herself...this sad phase sure did take a toll on my personality and my confidence.
What exactly happened in this phase? To sum it up, I was left by my best friend and had to go through this lonely phase for one entire year. In the first year of BMM, things were absolutely fine. I had a group of 13 girls and we hung out to places. I would crack jokes and keep the group together. Rather, I brought this group of 13 girls together (or well, at least I think I did). Fortunately, a girl from my school happened to be in my class and slowly, she became my best friend. We would go to acting class together and had each other's back, no matter what.
Gradually, understanding that I did not belong to the group, I unintentionally started drifting away. My priorities then were attending the lectures and meeting my boyfriend. He was crazily in love with me and bunked his lectures to spend time with me. On the other hand, since I was the class representative, I was expected to attend all the lectures. So whenever I got a chance, I met my boyfriend and we used to spend our afternoons in a nearby mall while eating McDonald's alongside. I cherished being with him so I always prioritised him over them.
There was another reason why I drifted away. The girls started drinking and me being the only teetotaler in the group, started getting bored. I started missing out on the sleepovers and the regular drinking sessions, which in turn led to a lot of missed stories, jargons, and friendships. Whenever I hung out with them, I would have no clue of what they spoke about.
One scene I clearly remember from the past is of a sleepover. It's funny how when you're feeling low, you think like the entire world is against you. After reading this, you might laugh and think, "Oh how petty!". But for me, this was the last drinking session I had with them.
On a sleepover, while the girls drank, I had used the toilet. Both the toilet covers were raised up and I squatted instead of putting one toilet cover down.
The girl at whose house we were having a sleepover went to the loo after a few minutes and joked saying whose ass was this large that she had to lift the toilet cover in order to pee. The other girls laughed. I have no idea whether she was mocking me, but I felt extremely bad. I decided this was the last time I was going out with them. I stayed awake the entire night and only wished it passed away quickly.
There are a few more incidences like this which were even deeper and bruised my heart. This is how I completely drifted away from these 13 girls in my class. However, there was one person I really counted on and she was my best friend. To make things worse, we started having fights. I asked her to stay with me, but instead, she chose them over me. Where would I go? I was the class representative and I had to attend all the lectures. I was made to sit in the classes when I had no interest in sitting. I felt like I was in hell. I felt like rushing home and crying in mom's arms while she served me hot rice and I spoke with my dad on the video call while pushing food inside. And unfortunately, I was doing a mass media course. We had frequent events, conferences, industrial visits, presentations, and what not! The entire second year of BMM, I had to sit through all of this with no one by my side.
Things started to change when in the second half of the SYBMM, I befriended other girls from my class. They did not drink, attended all the lectures, and were not popular amongst the seniors. However, they made me feel loved and wanted. Though my dressing and my energy did not match theirs, I was happy to be accepted.
The third year of my graduation was quite smooth. Since I had taken up journalism as my main subject, most of the girls from my former group went away. Majority of the class chose advertising as their main subject and only nine people remained in journalism. I felt really relaxed. Though about three girls from the previous group were in my new class, things remained smooth. However, I always feared the lunch breaks and events because that's when both the classes would come together.
Slowly but gradually, I passed that phase. I had learnt my lesson: never to make one best friend. Be friends with a bunch of girls but relying only on one person is not going to be safe. She might or might not stab you in the back and you might end up being sad once again. I followed these lessons during my postgraduation days and they sure did help me a lot.
Today if you ask me who I am, I am someone who likes to stay away from the crowd and spend time with my long term besties. I think I'm really lucky to have them.
And one more thing I learnt, which is a little difficult to follow at times, it is to not give a fuck. Don't give a fuck of what they think of you, don't give a fuck if they don't invite you over, don't give a fuck if they leave you...be happy in your own company. And at the end of the day, you always have your parents, your friends, your pets, your siblings, your cousins, your partner, and your house. You simply rush to them, vent your heart out, and smile through the tears. Trust me, if you start giving lesser fucks, you'll be a happier individual.
